so yeah about 2 years ago i started falling for a girl i no from work, nd who lives down my road. i dint really speak to her a first but the more i worked with her the more i got along with her and i REALLY started to have a crush on her, but i dint say anything becos i knew she had a boyfriend, and i thought there was no point in scaring her off by making a move on her rite? soon we started to become gud mates and i pretty much tailed her around work helping her wiv her jobs so we could talk and she'd help me with mine later on. and we got bollocked LOADS for it lol, and i think we even got split up a couple of times lol. i always had a crush on her but i just kept it buried to maself, knowin that i had no chance wiv her.

but by the beginning of last summer id become really close to her and loved being around her. i knew it was way more than a crush now but i kept it to maself becos i enjoyed spendin time with her as a mate too much to hav her stop talkin to me (is is exactly wot happened last time i told a girl how i felt about her lol). i txt her alot, even spoke to her and txt her whilst she was on holiday and it got to the point where my heart skipped a beat everytime it was her txtin or calling me lol,cheesyyyyy i no! then one night whilst she was still away, one of her friends told me she fancied me. fuckin hell u shuldve seen the smile that plastered on my face for the rest of the night lol!

but wen she got bak she told us that she'd been talkin to her boyfriend about how its time to get married. at first i was devvo'd. but then i thought, well she never told me she fancied me neway, and id never thought i have a chance in hell with a girl like her.

so we carried on as mates as we were, and i went off on ma hols to magaluf. i txt her alot whilst i was over there becos i missed not seein her, but she still dint no how i really felt about her. then on the last nite we were there, whilst waitin for the coach from the hotel, i got a text of her sayin how she liked me, and apologising for telling me becos of the situation she was in with her fella but she thought i ought to know. to this day, as sad as this sounds, that was the fackin best moment of my life, i dont think ive eva felt higher than that. not only had i just had my first ever moment of a girl telling me she liked me, it was the girl of my effing dreams!!!! i thought there was no was i was that lucky!

so i got home from magaluf and we txt each other bout how we felt. im not goin to tell u everything we sed to each other or did, but it never wen tbeyond a brief kiss and a cuddle. that was the last time i kissed a girl, just over half a year ago. and it was the girl i am in love with.

however we decided to remain as friends, she felt way to guilty after we kissed and i hated maself for makin her feel this way and throwin a propa spanner in her love life. i was gutted i culdnt be with her and i still get insanely jelous of her fella, to the point were it feel physically sick becos he the one who gets to spend the rest of his life with this amazing girl.
but shes become one of my best mates, the mate i care about more than ne of my others and i cant ask for more than that. i still get the buzz wen she texts me or wenever i see her, becos she such a great person to be around and im sssooo glad ive become so close to her. i wish she cud be mine, but i dont regret it that shes not, i dont think we'd have ever become such gud close friends if we dint have that moment together were i actually got to be with the gal im in love with. so its aalll gud .

it makes me laugh tho cos 5 years ago, all fellas and girls she hung around wiv were the ones who wuldve beat the shit out of me if they had the chance lol, wot with me bein a little grammar shit and them lot commin from all girls schools and boy schools lol. mind u they probs still wud if i gave them reason to lol!

so thats it, my very uneventful love life, or lack of lol. the reason im writting this is becos i really need to sort myself out. i do love this girl and i no i always will, shes way to special to me and im just really glad ill always have her as a mate, but i really need to accept that shes got her fella and that i need to find myself a girlfriend. i just find it really hard becos ive got fuck all eperience lol! im the furthest ive ever got with a girl is a snog, and even then theyve always been really drunk and so have i. jesus that is rrreeeaaalllyyy bad! i havnt even kissed a girl wen im sober lol! and unfortnatly i am still a virgin which is ssssooo embaressing lol, but most of my mates no nd i dont mind them jokin about it lol. i havnt even had as much as a cheeky handjob lol! in fact i dont think a girl has ever seen me naked :S, nd the only girls ive eva seen naked in the flesh are the ones my mate paid to give me a lapdance on my 21st birthday lol! oh man thats bleak. i dont get depressed about it or nethin, but a lot of the time it does get me really really down, wen i cant think where im goin wrong, but thats mainly at night wen im goin to bed, it kind of gets to ya wen uve spent the past 21 years of ur life goin to bed alone i suppose lol. especially wen i no most of my mates get to go to slep and wake up next to the girl or guy they love and i dnt have that luxury lol. but yea, u can see y i need to shape up and get my self a girl. i no il probs not fall for her as strongly as i did with this other girl, but hopefully ill fall asmuch in love eventually. not everyones lucky enough to be with their first love i suppose.

GOD! this things great, its like a digital psychiatrist, i feel well beter now ive got that off ma chest lol!!! thanx for listening to me ramble if u mananged to read this far lol! x