well i said i wud write nd let u no how things were goin so i thought id get it out the way now whilst im waitin for the hatton fight (wooo!).

its been a hard week for me. im still racked wiv regret over sendin the girl i love that shit message. if i cud turn bak time i wud never right that fuckin thing. the only gud thing that has come out of me writtin the message is that it has taught me to control how i react to things and how to control my feelings better.

i hav been miserable this week. ive been thinkin about this girl constantly. ive been havin trouble sleepin at nite and wen i get up for work in the mornin i and start thinkin bout her, i hate maself for pushin her away like i did and i just wanna stay in bed all day and sleep so i dont hav to think about it nemore. it was really bad for most of the week, i felt so empty and lonely and i only had myself to blame. i love her so much and i miss more than any wot we had together even tho she cud never hav been mine, which is what i want more than nethin in the world.

i spoke to her on thursday and she made me feel so much better about everything, shes such a gud friend and a top top girl and she made me realise that i cnt keep wishin for her and puttin the pressure on her to make sure im not miserble wiv the fact shes already wiv someone. im always goin to regret over reacting abou the thing i did last week but ive got to move on and stop mopin around about it.

she loves her fella so much and if i keep dwelling on that and tryin to make her mine im goin to loose her as a friend aswell and make myself feel even more miserable. if its him that makes her so happy then y wud i want to spoil that for her, i love her to much to do nethin to make her less happy than she deserves to be.

so i woke up friday mornin and thought its time to sort myself out. ive stopped mopin around and thinkin everythins against me. she wants to stay wiv her man nd and theres nothin i can do about that, im just want her to be sooooo happy.
so ive stopped feelin sorry for myself, ive started bak at the gym and im gettin fitter and fitter everyday. im startin mixed martial arts on monday so im not sat on my arse all evenin nemore. im applyin for the fire brigade wen they start hiring agen in august and if they accept my application ill start that trainin in january so ill hav a career under my belt. im startin drivin lesson wen i get paid and im gona start lookin for my own flat in summer. im not gona go out and start tryin to sleep around now ive fiiiiinally accepted the gal i like wants to be with someone else. i still love her just as much as i always hav and it wuldnt be fair of me to get a girlfriend wen im still gonna be thinkin of her, which i do 24/7. but im not miserable about it nemore, i actually am so so so so happy that shes found her true love and that shes happy. im sure ill find someone else one day but for now im happy on workin on sortin myself out.

since i started thinkin like this nothins bothered me. ive cheered up alot at work, im workin out hard, ill hopefully start sleeping better lol and ive got some ambition bak to actually go for a career i want to do. i like the way my body's startin to look and im glad i no wot i need to do to start sorting my money out. im glad im finally startin to appreciate how happy the gal i like is, how much she deserves it, and how lucky i am to hav her in my life, even if its only as a friend.

ill always find it hard to deal wiv her not bein mine, but im definitly not gona be miserble about it nemore, shes one of the main reasons im so happy.

so yea thats it for this week. obvs im over the moon about united winnin the cup! i was fuckin buzzin after it, i just wished id gona to the pub and not stayed in to watch it lol!!!!! im gearin myself up for the hatton fight at the mo, its gona be AAAAAAAAAAAWSOME!!!!!! ill right again soon!!!!!!!!!!!! x x x

WWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO hatton fight this saturday, i cnt wait!!!! he's gona totally anihilate him, its gona be mint!! i dnt no where to watch it tho, theres a shitty little club near me called o'sheas that ment to be showin the fight, thatll be top to hav a few bevvies there and watch it! and itll probs kick off in the pub after the fight so thatll provide a bit of post fight entertainment lol!!! i think im just gona hav to watch it at my dads tho cos i soooooooooooo fukin skint at the mo its not even funny. im out for a drink tonite wiv ma mate nd im out on wot is ment to be a bender on sunday nite (wwwwwwwwoooo foam party!!) but ill be lucky if i can scrape 20 quid together for that lol! oh well im a lite weight, i dnt need alot of beer!

i think the plan is grab a few beerd, get a curry nd chill out nd watch the fite wiv the old man, and if im lucky he'll hav his mates round, theyre so fuckin funny, i love it!!
im well excited, spesh after hatton lost to mayweather, i actually cried wen he got knocked down, it was fuckin gutting. but he'll make it up this time, he looks propa sound in trainin nd i reckon the fites gona be ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssic!!!!!!

COME ON HATTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x x x

weeeeeeeeel where the hell do i start. im feelin like a bit of a tit at the moment. i kinda told the girl i like that we shud stop flirtin wiv each other, hahahahahahahahahahaaa just writtin that is makin me laugh, its ridiculous. but ill explain the whole story, well most of it, some of its too personal and i dnt wont u to know lol!

basically its the same girl i always talk about, cos shes still the only one for me. i did some stuff for her over the weekend and sent her a few naughty pics and flirty texts, and then there was the flirtin at work lol. And well i was on a high note at the end of that day.

then the next day came and i completely over reacted about somethin that lookin bak on makes me feel sick wiv guilt and embarressment, aaawwww man just thinkin bout it is makin me think "oh phil, u absolute tit" lolol! ill tell u how daft i was, ill tell u the 2 little things that made me get stupidly over emotional lol. first of all, we were talkin on msn and wen she sed bye she only put 2 kisses (omg now im writtin it it sounds so fukin ridiculous lol)and then later on i read her internet profile and it mentioned somethin bout her fella on it. and that is it. i even remember thinkin "oh well her fella must b there so she cant put too many kisses", and her mentionin her fella on the internet has never bothered like this b4! but for some reason i sent her this over the top gut-spillin message bout that pretty much ended wiv me tellin her we shud stop flirtin wiv each other. Yes that is rite, i told the girl of my dreams, the one ive been in love wiv for the past 2 years that we shud stop flirtin. WOT.A.TOSSER lolol!!! i wrote the message at about 4 in the mornin cos i culdnt sleep and the only thing i can thing of that wud make me do such a stupid thing is that i was delerius from lack of snooze! she says shes forgiven me for it and i love her for that, but im really hatin maself rite now. i just keep thinkin "well done theres absolutely no point in flirtin wiv her nemore, u made sure of that didnt u!!!!".

lol oh well wot can i do, wots dun is dun. i think at the time i was thinkin that if we stopped actin like that wiv each other then i cud get over her. but i no now that this wont help, all ive dun is got read of one more thing that made bein on my own wivout a girlfriend bareble! i tell u wot i am glad about tho, shes stil mates wiv me and she sent me a wellllllllll nice reply to the message that helped me put everythin into perspective and made me feel better, she really is a top girl nd i love her to bits.
i always say to her im gona stop commin on to her and treat her like a mate and thats wot i need to do now ive got maself in this situation lol. i will miss bein naughty wiv her tho, she turned me on soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, wiv everythin from the way she brushed agenst me wen she was stood near me, to the txts she sent me, and some other personal stuff. im gona miss all that but i told her i wud let it go so that i didnt make things complicated for her and her fella. i owe her that much at the very least. shes such an amazin girl and she does so much to make sure that she dosnt hurt mine or neone elses feelings that she deserves to hav her feelings thought about first for once. so im gona lay of the love sick puppy dog act for her, im gona bury my feelings for a few weeks to c how it goes lol!

ill let u no how i handle it later on, but i no its gona be well hard. she means the world to me and we got so close to each other as mates, ive ruined a little bit of that connection, the little bit that made me feel so incredibly special. and all becos i overreacted to somethin absolutley fukin ridiculous lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! catch u all later!
x x x

wel i no its been a couple of weeks since i last wrote but nothin has changed much recently. still wantin a new job, still promisin to go to the gym, still single nd still hopelessly in love wiv a girl i cant hav lol.

my tattoo is completely finished now, it looks sic! its all black nd it hurt like a mutha fucker wen i was gettin it coloured in! especially on the parts that covered my ribs cos there isnt muchy meat there to cushion the needle lol! my mate ash has lent me some tat disks wiv friggin loooads of tat desogns on so i can start workin on my next one. ive got a design picked out and although i rally do want it, its very extreme, im gona make sure there's absolutely no other designs i want before i commit to it lol! its a massive one that covers my whole back, its all 9 of the slipknot members in different poses wiv a the big 'slipknot' logo writin across the top from shoulder to shoulder, and i think it wud look fuckin mint, but we'll see. im already booked in on the 29th so id better get deciding soon!!!! ash is booked in on the same day, shes gettin a big one down her ribs wiv flowers and birds on it, i think itll look amazin. she has to get top half nudey wen she gets it done nd she sed we cnt be there, but i might hav to insist that i stay, shes got an amazin body lol!!!

im not in bad shape at the mo but i started of well at the gym and it kinda just fizzled out. but startin tomoz i am bak at it and im gona be workin hard! ive got an image of the fitness level i wanna be at and wot i wanna look like by july nd i swear im gona reach it this time!!!!!!

thats about it for now really. i bought a wii nd some mint games the other week nd ash lent me a load of games so theyve bin keepin me occupied. had a couple of mint nights out nd went for a gudden last nite wiv ma mates from work last nite, i really do need to stop feelin sorry for myself wen ive had a few pints tho lol, but apart from that it was a gud laugh, nd i barely had a hangover today. neway ill start writting more often, but im callin it a nite for now, laters!!! x x x